Divorce
....Continued
Divorce Stages
How do I help my children cope?
Divorce does not occur simply when one
signs the paperwork. it is a process. As the process evolves all family
members are effected.
One stage is when we begin to let go emotionally.
We often experience the same feelings we have when someone dies ...
denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Often
a child will experience denial in an attempt to control a situation
when he / she actually has no control. They may deny the divorce to
friends, teachers, etc. it serves to protect the child until he can
deal with the loss.
Another stage is the financial end to this
marriage. Two people have gone into debt and must split the bills, and
decide what will happen to the family home and make new budgets for
two separate households. if parents are honest with their children and
tell them there will not be as much spendable income, children will
adjust.
The most important phase of divorce is
when the parents begin to co-parent their children while living apart.
The role of both parents is for life. The parents ability
to communicate effectively and cooperate is the biggest determinant
of how well the children adjust. Parents must learn to share time with
their children but equally important is sharing responsibility. If responsibility
isn't shared many times one parent will feel overwhelmed. When this
happens the children are effected but the increased tension and anxiety
in the home.
Finally, the legal aspects of the divorce
must be dealt with. Custody battles should be avoided if possible. Children
often feel pulled between the parents if a custody battle ensures. The
only time a person should fight for custody of a child / children is
when they feel there is no way to negotiate a settlement that would
be in the child's best interest.
If a family has a good support system the
adjustment to the divorce is usually minimized for both children and
parents. It can be helpful for parents to seek a support group for divorced
parents, parents without partners, etc. Many families report feeling
isolated and have difficulty getting their social needs met. This can
cause children to feel they must be supportive of their parents to the
point they become overly concerned and their role is inappropriate.
Some would refer to this as role reversal.
Continued....
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